06/19/09

Just my ramblings on life as it hits me

On Sept 4th 2004 my wife left me, tired of living the lie she says.  Since then life has been empty.  I wrote this shortly after I realized she was not coming back into my life and it still reflects my feelings today. 

 I still see her in my dreams,  I still wake in the morning to feel that she is still not there beside me.  To sit deep in a thought of something just to find she creeps into my thoughts and takes over.  To have me wondering if I am loosing my mind obsessing on a women, a women that touched my heart and I thought was my soul mate.  I was wrong.  How does one turn another off.  How do you shut your heart off, turn your mind off close your feelings off.  Even the thought of dating again makes me reflect on our first meeting.  Sept. 15 1988 at 10pm at night she wore black dress pants, white dress shirt and a bow tie as she was a waitress and a local golf course.  She was there outside my friends house to meet him but he was under the weather.  I felt that I was looking at a goddess.  We decided to go up town for a drink.  We hit it off right away and I felt as if I have known Ann all my life.   I am cursed with remembering almost every detail of our life, just to have myself reflect on different things we have done as I come across the triggers of those memories. They are happy memories until I am back remembering that I am alone again.  I know one should not live in the past but for 15 years of my life I was truly happy, not as man and wife but as one....so I thought,  I have compared it to having a loved one die just to come back and die again and again and again.  How does one shut them off.  To stop the heart in the throat feeling even typing this.  Then to go out and work, continue life showing that nothing is wrong. 

I think this is enough for now.

Just a thought of today, maybe you can relate:

Wondering

As I sit here and wonder, as I sit here and reflect, as I sit here and realize that we are all dying.

Some dying faster than others.

All because we have loved and lost.  After each time that this happens, a piece of us dies. When enough pieces are gone… well then we are too.  How much torture must life thrust upon us?  How many, should of, would of could of’s can there be?  Is there a life after this where this was all a dream?

By chance to sleep and not to dream, such decisions do not come easy.  One can only stare hopelessly into the abyss and wonder what it would be like. What it would be like to shake off the chains, shake off our inhibitions and do it.  I am sure there is a limit people are driven to before that happens.  How do we know when it is or is not too late when we do realize? When do we see a light at the end of the tunnel?

As we spin through space on this blue marble so many lives so many things happen and no one knows about it.  Life is funny that way.  Its like a flowing river, what ever is put in its path it just flows around without a blink or forethought of what to do, it just does.  Why can we not do the same when life hits us in the face, when life kicks us in the groin, when life grabs a hold of your heart and squeezes pulling at your very soul for all its worth.  Would it not be nice to say oh well or oh hum and just move in another direction without giving it another thought?  I question then, would we really be happy.  Could we be happy?  Or is happiness just a pipe dream something to look forward to something to try and hang on to but let slip through the fingers of our life.  Ready for the next stabbing, heart-wrenching blow that we take.  Time fly’s in the blink of an eye but heartache lives on forever.  It is timeless in its ventures moving from one life to another like a menacing dark figure feeding and destroying as it goes. 

Jim Barclay